Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
