Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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