dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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