this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
