sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
