Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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