I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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