I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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