We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
