i would punch a child for taco bell
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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