someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
