I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
only if we run a train.
done.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
