Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
he fucked my hip out of place.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
