everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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