Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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