How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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