ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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