I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
my shit smells like andre
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
