wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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