if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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