at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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