I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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