i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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