I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
