Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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