He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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