guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
