We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
