I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
