Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
