don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
