if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I am one with the molecules
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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