Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
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