Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
