Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
