I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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