Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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