After last night, I could never be a politician.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
