When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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