i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
