Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
