i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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