Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
