my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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