Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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