How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
