why do cheetos always look like penises
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
