i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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