I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
