All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
