I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
